POLICE CHIEF SAYS "NO ZOMBIES"

Monday, July 24, 2006

Vancouver, WA - In a press conference this morning, Police Chief Brian Martinek released detailed information on the so-called "zombie killings" that took place last month. Four snipers shot and killed alleged mob kingpin Matteo Buscetta, but most unusually, eye witnesses claimed that the snipers had been already dead at the time of the killing.

For the first time, autopsy reports on the snipers and the mob boss were made available to the press, providing scientific evidence that the time of death was in fact consistant with the snipers' deaths at the hands of Buscetta's bodyguards. Police also found latex residue on the snipers' heads and faces consistant with extensive cosmetic prosthetics, such as false gunshot wounds.

Various occult symbols were found on the bodies as well, but after consultation with premier experts on the subject such as Bibzie Silvera, it was determined that while the symbols were identical to certain symbols used in Jamaican religious practices, their use was inconsistant with the actual application of those symbols in the religion.

Blood tests revealed traces of both amphetamines and phencyclidine (PCP), a combination that could easily create a frenzy in which the snipers would be able to continue functioning after several gunshot wounds.

Overall, all evidence appears consistant with an attempt by some unknown party to stage an attack such that the victim and his associates would believe themselves the targets of some sort of supernatural or occult assassination.

"Under normal circumstances, we do not release details about ongoing investigations," said Chief Martinek. "In this case, the frenzy of speculation about the supernatural origins of the attack forced us to make the information public far sooner than we had hoped."

The police are continuing their investigation.